Revenge of the Nerds

1:05 pm: Getting ready for the Iowa game. I have a can of Wild Cherry Pepsi to my right, a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos to my right. Inevitably, I will stain the keys of my roommate’s laptop. My guess is he will be angry.

1:07 pm: Northwestern's center Rowley hit the tip-off out of bounds. I’ve never seen that before in a real game. He’s so bad. See reference of previous blog post.

1:10 pm: I’ve come to the realization and it’s sort of revolutionary…Matt Gatens is talented at basketball. He also loves flying into the stands like Kazaam.

1:13 pm: My roommate Weston and I begin discussing how many of Northwestern’s starting lineup we could beat in a street fight without weapons. We came to the conclusion that we would each win against everyone except for Rowley. However, we would certainly outwit him.

1:16 pm: Based on current standings, which will change and is likely in accurate, the Hawks would play Michigan in the Big Ten Tournament. Hopefully Corperryale gets benched again. Ejected would be fine too.

1:17 pm: “Contest, but don’t molest.”

1:19 pm: Mediacom choppy picture son of a gun…

1:21 pm: Potential street ball nicknames for Jake Kelly. White Chocolate Infinity. The White Mamba, Apollo 7, The American Dragon, or just Dragon, The Pocket Rocket, El Robar de Basquetbol, The Blue Hornet, The Secretary of Defense, El Sabio de Iowa, Bomber, Gooch, Ned, The Little Unit, or Possum. I’m going to try a variation of these.

1:25 pm: I wonder if it was possible to make an announcement over Northwestern’s PA system. If so, an announcement needs to be made that all the calculators in the world have been destroyed. NU would freak out and probably forfeit the game.

1:28 pm: The White Mamba strikes!

1:29 pm: The announcers just referenced a protractor. How appropriate.

1:30 pm: Kevin Coble runs like my aunt Deb.

1:32 pm: I just realized the gravity of Bill Carmody being at Northwestern for nine years. Nine!?!?! Seriously. Really? Do they not care at all about winning with any consistency? I know it’s hard to recruit with Northwestern’s academic standards and its rich history of crappyness. But if NU can win a Rose Bowl, they have to be able to have a fluke year once in awhile in basketball.

1:44 pm: I just missed the last 12 minutes (real time) because I forgot my laundry in the washer and was unprepared for the laundry transfer. If I was granted 3 wishes for today: First, I would want someone to start/finish the insane amount of laundry I have to do. 2ndly, I’d wish the Iowa City weather would stop teasing me like it was an attractive girl who was out of my league. Finally, I’d really like a Burge style Omelet.

1:48 pm: Anyone know the record for most shot clock violations in the first half? The Wildcats have to be approaching it.

1:49 pm: The American Dragon for 3!

1:50 pm: Tate and Cole are in at the same time, interesting strategy by Coach Lickliter. The Hawks are still getting killed on the boards though. Ned for 3 again!

1:53 pm: Halftime analysis from Tim Doyle and Gene Keady. I feel so much more informed. Doyle, a NU “star,” is a pretty arrogant tool. Nonetheless, I once heard him reference “old man strength,” which is a very serious, very real thing.

1:59 pm: I just received a text from my friend, Captain D, asking if I would have relations with Jake Kelly. I answered in a mildly serious, “Yes.” The scary thing is, I’m attracted to the opposite gender (females); Captain D’s sexual preference has not been confirmed. So…that question makes me a lot more uncomfortable than when I originally read it.

2:01 pm: Big Ten Network anchor Dave Revsine just said Iowa had lost 10 straight road games. I didn’t realize we had slumped that far.

2:04 pm: Northwestern’s student section is nicknamed “The Wild Side.” I wonder if they know it is Saturday. They should probably be in the library.

2:08 pm: The Blue Hornet leads all scorers with 12 at half. A healthier looking Jermain Davis leads all players with an astounding two assists.

2:09 pm: Apollo 7 can’t be stopped, another 3!

2:13 pm: Jarryd Cole makes a great hustle play diving/supermanning/steal…twice. There is a reason Lickliter made this kid a captain as only a sophomore. He never stops.

2:21 pm: Fuller cashes a three ball from the corner. He’s got a smooth jump shot and makes a good percentage of his shots. Although the coaches seem to be pretty hard on him, I think it’s because he has a ton of potential.

2:27 pm: Possum again from deep!

2:29 pm: Is it just me, and it certainly could be, but does Jake Kelly make the same exact face that Steven Adler does? Disclaimer: In no way, shape, or form am I insinuating that Jake Kelly is a drug addict, because there’s no way he would have such a wet jump shot.

2:33 pm: More laundry. I hate laundry in the same way I hate Kevin Coble: with a deep passion.

2:42 pm: I’ve moved from a Wild Cherry Pepsi to a Mountain Dew. One could argue that both have their respective advantages. But for me, Dew > WCP every single day. Even on the days we skip because of leap year.

2:44 pm: Mediacom is crap. Tim Doyle is crap. NOT EVERYONE NAMED JAKE IS A SNAKE!!!!! It’s just not feasible.

2:46 pm: Gatens has had three deep bombs rim out. I still love him like a son though.

2:48 pm: It’s senior night for the Wildcats. Craig Moore is the only senior who contributes anything and he’s playing like garbage. Beautiful, majestic irony.

2:50 pm: God just handed me a bitch slap of karma as Moore drains a trey.

2:55 pm: Cyrus Tate just fouled out doing almost absolutely nothing.

2:57 pm: The Wild Side just started chanting “Let’s play football.” There are no words. The Hawks lose their 11th straight on the road 55-49 to Northwestern. Michael Wilbon and dorks everywhere rejoice.